Taking an off today..
The mind is a wondrous abstract. The actions it might command us to do.. the sheer speed of thoughts.. leaves me aghast at times.
I cannot command any one else's actions.. can I even direct mine?
A snort.. a laugh that follows.. thats what I am left with. The quest is still at the very same checkpoint. The only progress would be that I know this checkpoint in great detail.. Have re-visited it so often..
Is it strength or weakness? Is it wisdom or just my naiveness? One question after the other.. It never ends.. does it?

Cannot command my mind.
It is not meant to be so.

I have been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I have come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

-Evanescence
(Breathe no more)

Why do I see you time and again,
It is my mind playing games, I know,
But even in this mockery I see those eyes,
So brown, so deep, so full of something I could never decipher,
I see you in my mindless dream,
Unaware of me, beside you,
I feel your warmth, the hopeless me,
Wishing to forgo all logic for that momentary bliss,

I seek nothing from you,
Nor have I anything to offer,
I just find myself staring at the horizon,
Wishing the twilight would stay,
Or take me away with it,
To its home far away,
Where the pain would be numbed,
And life would be a fairy tale,

Then I would trade places with you,
Just to null that pain in your eyes,
That I deciphered a while ago,
In the scene that keeps on playing in my mind..

Succumb.

It is there, so stark, so naked,
I see it quite clear but I choose to ignore,
Its never ok, never ok to be happy,
Cuz somewhere you are always tripping, always falling,
I am not perfect to fit into place with them,
And painfully I bleed each time.

Who is to blame?
Me or you?
Me, for being what is me,
And you for not believing,
It just makes the pain a regular chore,
And I end up with a bleeding knife every night.

The stars watch me,
So does the moon,
Its a velvety night,
But I have business of my own.
Its never ok, never ok to be happy,
Cuz it hardly matters,
They just want you to be a shape-shifter,
One amongst them, a million,
Lost in the crowd, unknown.

I hate the tears rolling down my face,
I wish they would remain in my eyes,
And give the mirage of a juvenile sparkle that was once alive,
So pure so honest so innocent,
But its long dead and gone.

Why do you claim me? I ask,
Why am I to be some one's possession?
Is it my fault that I came to be, tied to a being,
And tied so I must remain till the end?
I won't plead and you won't relent,
So let me suggest an end to this mindless captivity,

Keep me tied, tight, my leash safe in your hands,
But then let it be the noose it always was,
And allow it to complete its destined work.

A lot of things affect me.. Minute emotions that might just whizz past others.. I have seen them mute.. is that why... Words hardly matter.. Actions do, yes..Actions, which are the next stage of perceiving a particular situation/person/being.

Why is it then you perceive a situation differently when u are past it? You tend to see it more clearly once you are done with it.. You tend to think an exam was easier than it seemed at the time you wrote it.. You tend to understand the intentions of a person better when he no longer intends anything towards you.. A situation , and your role in it gets clearer when you view it from your rear view mirror. . Won't it be better for yourself if you could master the art of acting 'sane' in the present? Here, I used the word 'sane' cuz most of the times you would think you cud hv handled yourself differently if you were to go back or some similar sort of thing..

But I cant deny that scores of such mistakes have lead me to this understanding.. Is it right/wrong.. ..? (shrugs) I would only know if I look forward.

She says I am at an 'age' where I would tend to be impulsive, bad tempered, un-co-operative, stupid, or whtever else.. I could have agreed with her if I identified with even one of these extraordinary laurels showered on me.. Incidentally, I think I would be the most calm person in my family and though I do lose my temper, it is only when it is absolutely necessary. By losing temper, I do not mean the time when I am cross bcuz I am hungry or when my fav tv prog gets a lower priority than someone else's.. Isn't getting angry an action in itself? You are expressing your disapproval over a particular situation/person/or even yourself.. The most extraordinary thing that I have observed about myself is that I tend to zap back to an absolutely normal smiley mood even a minute after a fiery argument.. I used to sulk for days before, I don't, now. I have expressed my discomfort, and I have tried my best to make you aware of it.. if you gather sense from it, good for me, if u dont, bad for you. But then they hardly understand what I try to say.. and it baffles me completely sometimes.. The extent up to which one can be misunderstood.. But u know wht? I have learnt to accept immovable aspects. I know I am not angelic in their point of views, I am more on the darker side of the gray.. But I am ok with it. . How? I have tried my best to understand them.. I ask them questions, which turn out to be provocative most of the times, but they are just to better my database.. I ask her what did she mean when she said this or why did she behave that way.. I try to understand her from her side.. But she is one person I can ask so.. Others might not be entertained.. Are not, in actuality.( have experienced) Then how am I to ok myself with their agendas when I don't understand the motives behind their actions? If it was a third person, I won't be much bothered, but a second person, I would, rite? He is my dad.. I should try atleast.. May be I am not trying hard enough.. I can't just give up.. Its a task after all.. Nothing comes all laid up on a nice warm plate.. You have to serve yourself..

Not clear enough, but muct better than it was before.. see? Thats what I meant it.. seems less confusing when u look at it over your back.. But you know wht? I was watching myself behave this weird way even at that time, something which I consider as an improvement.. I knew I would have to face an assessment..

The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.

Of Contrasts..

Yellow back, Blog! Long time.. But was caught up.. In things that can be classified as 'Moral Obligations'.. yeah.. whatever.

Oh I got a new kitty home..He was screaming his throat out that day on the road, was really hungry (could have eaten a whole horse), and the most endearing grubby, dirty thing I had seen in months..So yeah..He is as big as my index finger, and about as fierce as a blood-thirsty monster.So obviously, his name is 'Monster'! :-) M looking for a good family for him.. but secretly, he is too adorable to let go of! (shrugs) ( Rite now the Monster resides on my lap, dozing off from his many rendez-vous with vicious terrors unknown.. :-) )

Other than that, as exam woes haunt everybody else around me, I am looking forward as usual. Who can control what has already happened? So chuck.. I have learnt to let go of the past long ago.. And past would mean the minute that just ticked away too..

So yeah, The Exam finally ends this Friday.. What after that? I was quite surprised at myself when I mentioned this aloud.. Am I so clueless?? Hell no! I have French to rejoin, wardrobes to clean out, rooms to revamp, places to explore, books to read, movies to watch,getting back to my beloved keyboard.. oh yeah, hair to cut.. :-) the usual 'catching up' with activities which were rescheduled on the priority list due to something that is supposedly trés important.. (read: exams) So then I wonder why I voiced such a question-What do I do in my free time? Woah! Was it just because.. of contrast..?-I was in warmth yesterday and when thought without it,life suddenly seemed so cold,that I was lost.. Maybe for a fraction of a moment..But still..like I was revolted even at the precise moment I was voicing that question, but I still said it..It was vital.. to come face-to-face with that emotion..To cross that particular check-point..It had its own beauty.. ..But, I need to shake my head, and focus.. Like I have said before, its warmth created by me, that would give me the most comfort.. My choices, yes, they have their own warmth, souls close to me, yes, I agree, but its my own inherent warmth that needs to be nurtured and kept going on for my survival.

Contrasts, will remain.. Will continue to mark blacks, whites, grays in my life.. The test lies in recognizing the beauty of each shade.

Au revoir till the next check-point then!